Need Advice!

[gatrhumpy]

OK, so here is the story...

Wife e-mails me last night and says she found the perfect end tables for our couch/living room/TV area. This is a copy of the actual e-mail she sent me:

"Hi Sweetie!
Ohmigod, I think I finally found the perfect end tables for us. The end tables we have now are each 13 in wide, and this table is
16 in wide, so it will be a little wider than what we have, but the color, height, length, design and price are perfect! Check it out!
http://www.bombaycompany.com/gp/product/B000NMLDDI
I think we should go ahead and order two. What do you think?"

I wrote back to her that I like them. They match our dining room furniture quite well. Never mind that we already have end tables for our couch, they're just not as nice, and they're made of a lighter wood. I agreed to let her buy these with our joint money BECAUSE IT IS FOR THE HOUSE AND WE WILL BOTH USE THESE.

I actually got on the phone to a local office and used our joint money to buy these. I had no problem with them. I was happy. Then I sent her an e-mail saying that I wanted in-ceiling speakers for the dining room, with volume control. She said it was OK. I went onto eBay and bought the 8" speakers with our joint money. They were $49.99. My wife and I have a deal that we tell eachother of things we're buying that are over $100. We both will use the speakers because she likes music too. I told her that I was going to Sound Advice to inquire about installation prices. She responded by saying:

"You wouldn't buy them without talking to me first, right??!"

I wrote back with:

"The speakers I bought were $49.99. I used our regular joint account for
that. I bought the volume control with my own money and I'm using my own
money for the installation. Is that cool? It is still within the $100
realm we had set up about joint purchases. "

I bought the installation and four-conductor speaker wire for $282.18 at Sound Advice and $79 at Best Buy. I used my own money for something that we both will use. Keep in mind that we bought something that SHE wanted with our JOINT account because we both will use them.

So I go through the day, happy as a clam. I get home, and she immediately starts asking me about the speakers, the installation prices, where I went, how much I spent, and from which account I used the money.

I answer all the questions that she asks, and I'm still happy. I know we're increasing the value of our home.

Two nights ago she asked me if we should get each other gifts for our three year anniversary. I said no, we should go out to dinner and spend time with eachother. I think she was annoyed, but then she dropped it. I did too.

So then, fast forward to last night, she asks the death question: Do you think we should get gifts for eachother? I again said no. Then she gets all criptic and said, "Well, you have no problem buying almost $400 worth of stuff but you won't buy me a gift from your own money?"

Wait, what?

I happen to feel that if it's anything that we can enjoy together, that we should use our joint account. Going out, plays (like Mama Mia which I am taking her too), vacations, things like that should come out of our joint checking account. She disagreed and said that they truly would not feel like gifts because she would feel that she is partially paying for it too.

Well, yeah, no kidding, because we're BOTH enjoying it.

Nevermind that I let go the budget category we have that includes clothes that come out of our JOINT checking account. So in essence I am buying her clothes with our money. We also have a car maintenance category that includes things to keep our cars looking nice, like Quik Detailer, etc. to have a higher resale value on the cars to keep the body looking nice. The car maintenance includes things like fluids, etc. She has a huge problem with that. I'm seriously thinking of stop doing anything to her car and let her take care of that with her own money.

Question: if you have a significant other, do you have a joint account with separate checking accounts for your own purchases, and, if so, how do you use them?

I think they we should use our joint account for things we get to share and to together (like dinner, furniture for the house, plates, decorations, etc.) and use our separate checking accounts for things we don't get to share in (car stuff that doesn't have to do with maintenance, clothes, etc.). What do you all think?

Cliff Notes:
Wife buys end tables with joint money.
I buy in-ceiling speakers with my OWN money.
Wife asks if we should get each-other anniversary gifts. I say no.
Wife gets pissed that I spend money on in-ceiling speakers and not on her any more (using my own checking account).
I say that if we do things together, we should spend our joint account money.
I leave the house to think.

[SSMV6]

Don't you see that the reason why she's pissed is not because you're spending all the money from your own account to upgrade the speakers, etc... You wife sounds like a materialistic woman and she just wants a little something to remind her of your anniversary together. She won't remember a dinner and a night out a month from now let alone 10 years down the road. It's better to give her something small than nothing at all. She just won't tell you the real reason why she wants a gift at every occasion.

Money between two people can hurt feelings weather it's shared, or borrowed. I have a shared savings account with my fiance for the past two years now and we still buy things for each other from our separate accounts. My take on it is, if you can't see the end of the road in your relationship, it's ok to blur the line that separates what's your's from what's her's.

[brickman]

I would not feel right trying to separate money within the marriage...just seems strange to me...seems to go against the whole idea of a "marriage". We have one checking and one savings and they are both joint accounts. The way I see it, you either trust each other or you don't, but if you don't, don't tie the knot...your just asking for trouble! :yes:

edit: Going on 17 years in June! :thmsup:

[James.uk]

When I was married we used to pool all monies, deduct expenses like food, cars, clothes, work expenses, rent/mortgage etc and then share what was left over equally between us both.. :)

Did it work ok? erm.. nope! :biggrin: we divorced after 12 years. She married a fairly wealthy older man, I stayed single .. :lmao:
.

[princess]

It's not about the money or where it came from.... It's about who controls what & now feelings are hurt.

NEVER accept "no gifts this year" for an answer....especially if funds are spent around the same time.

Buy a gift. Something thoughtful.

We have one account. We did when it was 2 incomes too. Now it works out that he makes & I spend it. :yes: (actually I wrote out all the checks for the first 25 years, then managed to have him take over for the next 25 years) I have a small credit card that's my "play" card. It's got a lower balance than the "household" ones. It's in both names, but it's considered MY card. He has one too from another bank. Those are for the larger-don't-consult-each-other purchases. Most of the time we still talk about them.

For us LARGE purchases are discussed. Sometimes he would've "settled" for less than he wanted if we hadn't talked first. So he actually gets better toys when we talked about them first!! :D

We've never had separate accounts. Our daughters have. It seems to end up being a point of contention. :dunno:

I hope you work it through so you can lots more anniversaries to argue about!! :lmao:

[psyshack]

WOW

Wife and I have two joint checking acct's and savings acct's. We play the banks against each other. We have no,, my money or her money. We have our money. We see that the bills are paided, retirement saved for in our own 401k's and investments. And share the rest. If she wants something,, she goes and buys it. Same with me.... I want it I buy it. No need for either of us to make a deal about it. We are both adults. and have no reason in the world to power trip over each other about money and freaking gifts. We bought furniture for our xmas gift to ourself's. No big deal. We are adults!

My wife is a very old school type of lady. She believes her job is management of the home. And as such she decorates and such accordingly. If I really dont like it. Then I pull my head of household trump card out and it wont happen. With that. It is understood. Im head of household. In the long and or short of it. What I say is what happens. Except how she drives or takes care of her car. :)

Whats up with emailing each other? Did I read that right? I bet I havent emailed my wife 5 times total in our relationship. You need to man up or go get a diff. wife.

psy

I dont understand why so many set there funds up like a corparation. All that is lacking is a board in most marriage's now day's.

[gatrhumpy]

WOW

Wife and I have two joint checking acct's and savings acct's. We play the banks against each other. We have no,, my money or her money. We have our money. We see that the bills are paided, retirement saved for in our own 401k's and investments. And share the rest. If she wants something,, she goes and buys it. Same with me.... I want it I buy it. No need for either of us to make a deal about it. We are both adults. and have no reason in the world to power trip over each other about money and freaking gifts. We bought furniture for our xmas gift to ourself's. No big deal. We are adults!

My wife is a very old school type of lady. She believes her job is management of the home. And as such she decorates and such accordingly. If I really dont like it. Then I pull my head of household trump card out and it wont happen. With that. It is understood. Im head of household. In the long and or short of it. What I say is what happens. Except how she drives or takes care of her car. :)

Whats up with emailing each other? Did I read that right? I bet I havent emailed my wife 5 times total in our relationship. You need to man up or go get a diff. wife.

psy

I dont understand why so many set there funds up like a corparation. All that is lacking is a board in most marriage's now day's.

My wife and I both work. That's why we e-mail each other. She is pregnant with our first child and will be stopping work in December (hopefully with the military's permission).

That head of household thing would not work in my house. My wife and I are equal. She (tries) doesn't hold anything over me, and I don't hold anything over her.

[gatrhumpy]

Don't you see that the reason why she's pissed is not because you're spending all the money from your own account to upgrade the speakers, etc... You wife sounds like a materialistic woman and she just wants a little something to remind her of your anniversary together. She won't remember a dinner and a night out a month from now let alone 10 years down the road. It's better to give her something small than nothing at all. She just won't tell you the real reason why she wants a gift at every occasion.

Money between two people can hurt feelings weather it's shared, or borrowed. I have a shared savings account with my fiance for the past two years now and we still buy things for each other from our separate accounts. My take on it is, if you can't see the end of the road in your relationship, it's ok to blur the line that separates what's your's from what's her's.

It's weird. She is somewhat materialistic when it comes to certain things, and other things she doesn't care about. For example, she likes new clothes, but now that she is pregnant, she can only buy clothes for pregnant women. She doesn't like the whole idea of brand names, except when it comes to makeup. She only buys Lancome. It's more expensive than crack!

[Greg S]

Never did understand the joint account thing. The wife and I have one savings account and one checking account. That's it. We both have 401K and IRAs that we contribute to but all the money we have for spending is joint money. It's one marriage and one set of money. We tell each other about what we buy if it's up to a couple hundered bucks. If it's going to be more than that we talk about it first to see if it's something we need or just want. If it's a want then we decide if we can afford it. For example I'm buying about $2700 dollars of surround equipment next month so I told her about it and I'm buying it. She doesn't have a problem with it and I don't have a problem with her shoe and purse collections, hell I've bought half the purses.

That said you are asking the wrong people for help. You need to sit down with your wife and talk to each other not us. We aren't married to either of you and we are not having your child. You two need to get together and figure out what the real problem is. Usually it's not who spends how much on what, that is just something to complain about. The real problem is almost always something else.