upheaval on the home front

[princess]

OK, the kid's divorce is nearly final....2 more days.

Hunter's 9th birthday is coming up....Nicholas & Hunter are in the same classroom at school.... Hunter passed out an invitation to every 4th grader in the class EXCEPT for Nicholas. Hunter told him that he can come anyway, but he doesn't know that his dad has forbid the boys to go.

Today Crystle had to tell Jarrison that he's not invited to his brother's birthday. He cried & not much makes him cry.

What would you guys do????

I'm at a loss on how to handle this. The party is at the church's fellowship hall & we could easily "crash" it. But I don't think that's best.

The boys have been brothers for 5 years, more than half the older ones lives & ALL of Jarrison's life.

What I WANT to do is ring one spineless excuse for a man's neck! I WANT to tell his mother off! Since he considered the boys as his, when they first split up, he agreed to help with a little each week for support. BY NO MEANS actually supporting them. His family talked him into not giving a dime anymore since they really aren't his. So he backed out of the agreement they had. It was only to last till the divorce was final anyway, so it would be done now.

We've done our best to shelter the boys from all of the crap.....but now he's given us no choice but to explain SOMETHING to them. We don't want them blaming Hunter! It's not his fault!

Nicholas doesn't know that he can't go. Crystle will sit him down after school.

To me, this is the ulitmate in MEAN!

I can handle him deciding he didn't want to be married anymore.
I can handle his story telling to friends & family to defend his actions.

I can't handle intention hurting of children.

You may hear about a "princess" going postal!!!!!! I've rarely been this upset!!!!!

[mwmcginn]

Sorry to hear that. Many people forget about whats important in these situations.

[MotorCity Honda]

Princess - reading this truly pains me. When my ex and I splitt the one thing we put first was the well being of our son and to put all our crap aside.

You asked what you should do so I will tell you. If I were you I'd sit them down (the parents not the kids) and tell them if they really love the kids they will put there crap on the backburner as far as the kids are concerned.

They can fight all they want about thier stuff but when it comes to the kids give it a break... The kids really will suffer if they do not act like adults (this I promise).

We even carry over punishments from one house to the next ie if my son is on a no video game restriction for 3 days at moms and it's time to come home to dads - you got it if he has any days left on restriction it continues at my house. This shows solidarity and will avoid kids pitting parents against each other.

I mean it, I would sit the parents down and have a real "come to Jesus" talk with them. Just because they couldn't work the marriage doesn't mean the kids should suffer the brunt!

[ezshift5]

OK, the kid's divorce is nearly final....2 more days.


You may hear about a "princess" going postal!!!!!! I've rarely been this upset!!!!!


....all I can offer, Princess, is that you are a nice person. Upon my divorce, I got custody of her ****er spaniel. I have nothing to offer vis-a-vis kids. You are a tower of strength within this forum. This situation obviously is hurting you (and some nice kids) and that is not good. My heart goes out to you.

all the best from about 50 miles (as the crow flies) northeast............

ez..

[namegoeshere]

I completely agree with MotorCity. Talk to them both and tell them to put aside their bickering, hate, anger, etc. when the kids are involved. Things like this can scar the kids for life. The children are usually the casualties in divorces as the parents are so wrapped up in getting back at each other; They easily forget who's important.

They may not know it, but children of parents who have nasty divorces can have relationship issues down the road too. ("I learned it by watching you")

Please, won't somebody think of the children?

[princess]

Thanks for the support....

Funny thing is that there was no argument over "stuff" she gave him all the furniture, kitchen stuff, many big toys, etc. She kept the bunkbeds we bought her boys & HER bed...she had it before they got married & he wasn't sleeping in it anyway.:dunno:

He didn't even take Hunter for 7 months AFTER they broke up. He's only had him since the end of July & she MADE him because it was best for Hunter. It broke her heart, but the kid had been left by his bio-mom & couldn't handle also being left by his dad. She sees him at school all the time. Hunter "drives his dad nuts" by insisting he has on clean clothes & his teeth are brushed on Mondays because she's a volunteer in his class thst day. Don't ask me why it's not "normal" to be clean.....:paranoid: Hunter knows it's something "mom" always pushed....

I really want to sit him down... (don't think I'm not seeing her faults, but they don't involve the kids) & have a talk. I know it wouldn't do any good. It's just how his family is. They feel free to gossip & badmouth. They aren't careful about little ears hearing it. In June Hunter's cousin announced that they weren't going to come to Nicholas' birthday party because "mommy hates you", but decided to come anyway.

Kids come first with Crystle. She's willing to sacrifice many things for them.

Jacob wanted to hurt her & ended up hurting the boys instead. He's never been good at consequences! His excuse is ADHD.

Punishments didn't get backed under one roof....so when under 2, it's impossible! She'd send the boys to him for the weekend knowing full well no matter what had happened, they'd get a break in any restrictions while there. He wasn't going to allow her to tell him what to do! She adjusted for it. He wouldn't even back her when the boys would remind him they couldn't watch TV or play video games. I never have understood it.

Somehow it will all play out OK. Both Nicholas & Jarrison have a good supportive family & they will get past it all. Poor Hunter will be put in the middle. He lights up when he sees her at school, then droops from head to toe when he remembers he's not supposed to like her. It's so sad!

I am thinking about money being an issue. Jacob owes us almost 20K from helping with his business, various debts, things he promised to pay.... He also owes almost 40K of medical bills that they're going after Crystle for. Some are HIS dental & Hunter's dental & medical. We know we'll never see it, but maybe if he sees the itemized list he'd come back to some sort of reality! The medical stuff is mostly when he didn't bother to pay the insurance.

Putting money in the front doesn't set well with me. But it may be the only way. By the way, she didn't ask for a dime of support in the divorce. She's been extremely nice through it all. Nicer than I think she should've been in some areas. (not the money) She'll get back on her feet again, & he won't be able to tell others that it was because of him. It's better for her that way.

So the boys may go to ChuckECheese (yuck) in mid Nov. They can celebrate Hunter's birthday even without him!! At least there's a great Chinese place next to it!! I won't starve!!!:lmao:

I think I've past the "postal" thoughts...................for now.:paranoid: I still want a magic wand to fix it all!!! Maybe I'll find one at Disneyland!!!:yes:

[EXLNavi]

So sorry to hear about it, princess. I hope it works out for the best.

During my parents divorce, it got nasty because dad locked out mom. He even locked ME out because I went out with mom and the other guy...

Blah. how stupid. May explain why I really don't have anything to do with my parents these days... Dad and mom always say they are proud of me.

Yea, I achieved what I achieved in spite of them, not because of them!

I fear for my own kids because these problems with relationships are unpredictable and kids DO get caught up in them for NO good reason!

[princess]

The latest is that Jacob had Hunter bring Nicholas an invitation. I don't think Nicholas is ready to see Jacob. He said he's trying to forgive him forhis last visit here (he screamed to the kids that their mom was a "money hungry B**ch"). Nicholas locked himself in the bathroom & Jarrison cried. Jacob had been drinking, & the boys had NEVER seen that side of him. He didn't appologize. He hasn't called them or visited them since.

Anyway, I believe the boys have decided that if they are allowed to, they will take Hunter out for his birthday.

Have I said that I hate ChuckECheese?:lmao:

Glad to see you Ryan!! It's been a while!! Since it's past the 3rd, are you official now??

[princess]

Well, now we've got other stuff to focus on.... the stuff with the birthday has settled down, but the homefront is still messed up:

Yesterday I found out that my 87 year old aunt tried to commit suicide! Last year she lost her husband & her son. She was handling that OK. She was depressed, but deaing with it.

Her late son's wife had decided to put her in a home. She's not ready. The daughter in law has charged up her credit cards & not paid for them & my aunt is on a low fixed income. She can't pay for them. The daughter in law is telling everyone that my aunt is senile, she's not. She repeats stories, but that's normal. She gets the facts & timing straight. She's telling everyone that my aunt can't take care of herself, which isn't true.

Now my cousins are believing the farce. Her other son managed to get her to agree to power of attorney & now has her SS checks directly deposited into an acount that she can't get to. She was going to move into one of his houses a block away from him. She changed her mind, but no one will allow that.

So this week she wrote a note & overdosed on pain meds. It didn't work. Now she can't live alone due to suicide watch. So she screwed it up for herself & she realizes that.

It breaks my heart that her family has caused her do much stress & pain that she saw killing herself as the only way out! They still don't get it.

My mom plans to being her here this weekend if she's up to it. I told my mom to take her to the bank, SS & an attorney while she's there. She needs to undo the power of attorney & get her checks back into her own hands so she doesn't have ask for her own money. It's degrading. She is perfectly fine. Old, but fine. She can out do them in energy & has always kept her home up perfectly. She eats healthy & has never left anything on. She's more able to take care of herself & others that I am!!

The stress filtering down to me with my daughter & these other family members has me spending many nights heaving my guys out. I'm dealing OK in the daytime (or posponing the thinking...) & then at night I wake up about an hour after going to sleep with emergency runs to hug the bowl.

I've tried changing food patterns & nothing works, so I'm thinking it must be stress. Away from home, it didn't happen. Once we came back...... there I go again. My throat is raw, my stomach is sore, my chest is tight. I even tried "happy pills" (prozac) with no results. I tried tums, etc. & they didn't make any difference. I've tried using stress management skills I know. It only helps in the daytime. Once I'm asleep, all bets are off!

Has anyone dealt with such a thing? If so, what worked?:dunno: The doc keeps saying the stress management should help. I can get the chest to untighten in the daytime, but I wake up with it back. I hate going to sleep now. Yet, I'm exhausted & have no choice.

[princess]

We hadn't been to church in a while.....Crystle's ex in laws have made me not want to be there. I decided that's stupid, so we went. Jacob's mother stayed outside until we sat down. We were warmly welcomed by others, but the ex-family were cold. We haven't done a thing to any of them. They simply have chosen to believe whatever Jacob's stories are.:dunno:

It felt good to be there. I've missed it. I needed it.


I took in my little travel pillow so my back could handle the hard pew backs better.:thmsup: That started conversations with several people. Many have had various kinds of back surgeries & issues.


Jacob & Hunter weren't there.


Crystle talked to Hunter before school today. He really wants her to come to his party. She's not going to tell him what his dad is doing, so she told him that she'll try but there are things conflicting with it.

[ItsaHonda]

I'm very sorry to hear about all of this, I do pray that everything settles for your sake. You don't deserve to be put through all of this (nor do the kids, for that matter) I truly hope that this can all be put behind you pretty soon.

[princess]

We got brave & went to church again. We had Nicholas with us & the ex's mom hugged him & told him how much she misses him. Um, wait a minute.... wasn't SHE the one that banned them from Hunter's party????

We'll never know which one is telling the fibs.

We DID get to take Hunter & the boys to ChuckECheese. There's a salad bar!:thmsup:

The boys enjoyed the games. Jarrison managed to beat some teens on "need for Speed". Can you imagine being stomped in a car racing game by a 5 year old???:lmao: He picked a Honda Civic the first time, an Integra after that, then went back to the Civic on the other plays.

He also managed to beat the time on a corny driving a semi game.

We each had a kid to follow around & mine was Jarrison. He loved the flight game too.

After we came here for cake & presents. Hunter seemed very happy. He was louder than I remembered. He was quite the story teller. Of course, they changed often.

I pretended to not know where the pizza place was & his directions were very interesting.:lmao: If we'd actually followed them we never would've made there!

We tried hard to make sure things were kept light-hearted, but we were really thankful he wasn't staying the night!!! That kid has lost his volume control!!!:paranoid:

Since his cake & plates, etc. were in his requested "star wars" theme. We had a weekend marathon. We managed to get 4 movies watched. It rained all day Sat. We had no plans, so it worked for us.

The favorite thing we got him was a set of 2 Star Wars transformers.

He has no idea WHY the boys weren't at his "big" party. We won't tell him. The party there was a dud. No games & prizes for the kids. More adults than kids. No organization. Only one of the classmates went. One soccermate went. The rest were cousins.

I think ours was a hit.... he was beaming!!:thmsup: THAT'S the whole point. To make a happy birthday boy!!:D

[psyshack]

How can anybody treat a elder with such disrespect. Send the Prince over there to kick some ass!!!!

If anybody in my family ever treated a elder like that. They would face a beating and banishment from the family.

OOO that angers me to hear of elders being treated so bad..... :(

[princess]

EVERYONE has been talking to my cousins about my aunt! They litterally slammed the door on her minister from church when he wanted to visit her.

They moved her down to SoCal. Gave away most of her furniture. She's in a house that's too big for her now in a strange city (Garden Grove) & has no phone yet. It's a beautiful home, but it's not hers. Her son lives around the block from her.

My mom is going down there to spend some time with her. Mom also called a nearby church to help with tranportation since they also took her car away. She's never had an accident or ticket & has great vision.:dunno: She just wanted it for church & store runs. She has no desire to drive much down there. She lived in Fullerton for many years & knows the area well, but isn't thrilled abut driving there....who would be?!

So hopefully things will settle down.

I think most families have some people they'd "abort" if they could!!:yes: I have some really wonderful cousins, but this bunch isn't them!

No matter how much I might disagree with my mom, she still gets "mom" respect. When she makes stupid comments, I'll tell her that I don't like what she says. Never would I put her in a home or upset her so much that she'd feel life isn't worth living. To me, that's not suicide, it's murder!!

Thanks for caring.

[psyshack]

They dished her Minister????

Thats awful....